Sunday, November 4, 2012

Rollerblading Spiders

Everyone is afraid of something. There is at least one thing that will throw any of us into a tailspin in a nanosecond at just the sight, and sometimes just the thought, of it. For my friend Ann, that would be mice. If you even mention mice her whole body tenses up.

In August, we went on our annual Adult Camping Weekend and I happened to come across a baby critter under the car. And by baby I mean, just born within the last hour and the mother is missing. Ann's husband immediately said "Don't come over here,'s a mouse!" As you can imagine,that did not go over well. She freaked and ran inside the camper yelling "Get rid of it!" Adam started to move in like he was going to squash it with his shoe and I yelled "Don't touch it! It's just a baby!" Adam's face looked like he had just gotten into trouble for answering "yes" to "Do these pants make my ass look big?" While he stood there trying to figure out what to do, I was taking pictures of my new little pet.

I decided it was not a mouse. I have a boy and I am well versed in construction vehicles, types of snakes (poisonous vs. not), and all types of critters. At first, I was convinced it was a shrew...but it didn't have any glasses so then I decided it was a vole. I assured Ann it wasn't a mouse and ran to show her the picture of it, confirming my critter classification. She ran from me and my camera.

In the end, Adam and I gently moved it to the woods so it could rest up and wait for its Mommy. Unfortunately, a hungry bird found it first.

But back to our fears. I am not afraid of mice, shrews, or voles. But I am deathly afraid of spiders. Ever find a spider in the corner of the shower? I have had it happen to me twice and I froze. In both cases, I immediately jumped out of the shower and ran screaming as though my hair was on fire. Ever find a spider crawling up your leg or arm? I have had that happen on more than one occasion and I usually run screaming while smacking all my case there are others on me. I'm going to be honest. If there was a spider in between me and my child who needed to be saved, I might hesitate...for a second. Just a second. Physically I wouldn't be able to do anything different. I'm just being honest.

A few weeks ago I had an encounter that almost cost me my life. There I was minding my business....driving in my car....and a fast mover came streaking across my windshield and then HOPPED on my steering wheel. I'm not kidding. He was totally staring me down and I knew he was contemplating jumping on me. I FREAKED out! I started smacking at the steering wheel but because he had his roller blades on, he was too quick for me to squash. And then he disappeared. That was almost worse than knowing where he was. Meanwhile, I had forgotten I was driving. I looked up just in time to see myself veering off the road toward some trees. Luckily, I was able to veer back onto the road but it was close. My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest and my hands were shaking like I needed detox.

I drove home intermittently looking for the spider and watching the road. When I got home I ran into the house and yelled to my family "DO I HAVE A SPIDER ON ME??!!" They just shook their heads at me. I'll be honest, they have seen this act before. Tim came over and checked me over while I did my "spider dance" which consists of me jumping around like I have to pee. "You're all clear" he said when he was done.For days, I felt like I had a spider crawling on me and I would just suddenly jump up from wherever I was and yell "Is there a spider on me?!" to no one in particular. Tim had to detail my car way I was getting in there with that thing ready to pounce. Tim said he found it but I know he was lying to me.

What's that one thing that makes you run screaming from the room like your hair is on fire?


  1. tree frogs... the ones that hang over an outside light and you can see its inner workings, like a clock. And the the ones that fly thru the air leaving a trail of saliva. When I lived in FL they were everywhere. I would sit on the couch at night, turn my head to look out the window, one would always be there sucked on and staring at me! When I walked out the front door, there would be 3 or 4 of them sucked on the house and as soon as I walked by, they would jump out at me and land nearby, leaving their saliva trail in my hair!! Oh gawd... I need to go now and take a shower and remember there's no tree frogs in Kentucky!!

  2. Centipedes. *shudder* I have a super old basement and sometimes they find their way upstairs, they have to be the ugliest creatures EVER. I'm thankful tho for my cats who either don't let them live long or kill them quickly for me.