Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Pantyhose are not your friends

I had a client event the last two days, which required me to dress "business casual"...aka I had to wear business clothes. A few years ago I was wearing dresses, suits, and heels every day. For the last two years, I have been primarily wearing casual clothes...like jeans and khakis....and loving every minute of it. When I work on client events, I pull out all my work clothes and it's like having a completely new wardrobe.

The bad part of the story is that I also have to wear pantyhose in the winter. Some people can get away having naked legs but once the summer heads south, my legs become see through and glow in the dark...which is not a good look.

First, it took me about 10 minutes of rummaging through my sock drawer to find a pair of pantyhose that didn't have a run in them. And I came up with 3 pairs. Perfect! I threw them all in my bag and took off for my 2 day event. Day one, I threw the control tops on and gave it a go. About halfway through the day, my sausage casing hose were cutting off my circulation. There is always that moment of anticipation and fear when you go to take off your pantyhose.....you can't wait to get them off but you feel your body that has been stuffed inside your hose might pop out like fake snakes from a can once you take them off.

Let's fast forward to day two. It all started so good. Control tops on....check! Cute dress I haven't worn in 2 years on and still fits great....check! I went down to our war room to get ready to start the event, sat at my computer, crossed my legs and (insert sound of screeching tires) that is when I saw the big hole in my nylons. DARN IT! I tried to pull them up a bit to hide it and that just caused 5 mini runs to scream down my leg. AAAHHH! I had 20 minutes before the event started. I immediately formed beads of sweat on my upper lip...but then I remember I had packed an extra pair of nylons.

I ran up to my room, giddy with my ingenuity to pack that extra pair. I ripped the shredded ones off and started to pull on my spare pair. But I could only get them 3/4 of the way up. What?! So, I worked on pulling them up from the heels little by little....until they finally made it to my lower hips. I quickly looked at my watch and decided these were going to have to do.

As I ran back down to the event, I could feel my hose slowly making their way back down. First they rolled down my muffin top...then they began the slow shimmy down my hips. Which caused me to sink down and walk a little lower...and slower. Seriously, as though that would work.

So, here I am trying to casual walk as though I am shrinking so that my pantyhose don't suddenly drop to my knees at a client event with 175 people. Once we got started, I sat down and tried to inconspicuously pull them back up...and I thought it had worked. Until I got up again and they shot back down, literally holding me hostage. "Take one more step and we are going to fall to your ankles..."  I shrunk down like I was doing some sort of curtsy and ran to the bathroom. Once safe in the stall, I pulled them back up from my heels to my armpits. There! And once again, they began their descent the minute I began walking. Curtsy shrink walk...curtsy shrink walk....

I didn't make it more than an hour. I had to run back up to my hotel room, pull the shredded pair out of the trash, hike them up to my armpits and pray the runs wouldn't make it down past the hem of my skirt. I was shocked when I actually made it through the day. It didn't even bother me when I sat down at the end of the event and the entire leg shredded down past my knee. I had made it through the day!! By the time I got home they were shredded from mid thigh to heel. Such a good look.

Maybe I should invent some run proof pantyhose...that hold you in...but are comfortable. Or maybe we should just outlaw pantyhose altogether.

1 comment:

  1. Crying laughing! Awesome blog Kelly! Seriously, this has so happened to me which has caused me to permanently switch to tights if at all possible. And I can completely relate to the bright white legs syndrome, I'm afraid I'm glowing - seriously! I had something similar happen recently. Last week I had a biz trip out to San Fran and since everyone in Cali seems to have a great tan I decide to bring a pair of sheer hose, just so I have some sort of color w/ my dress. As I'm getting ready in the morning I pull them out of their package only to find - they aren't hose! It's a body shaper/shorts kind of thing. Um, ok, helpful sort of but now I have to shave my legs in the 15 minutes before I'm supposed to meet my colleagues downstairs. It all worked out in the end but there was serious, heart racing panic for a good minute. On a side note, totally recommend Assets, sold at Target (a Spanx company), they sell tights and hose (and body shapers!) and are super good, pricey but worth it! Definitely hold up for the long haul. :)

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