Friday, November 16, 2012

Freckles, Sharpies, and Cameras

I have always been a freckly kind of gal. And, I have loved my freckles from day one...and I have a lot of them to love. My kids, on the other hand, hate their freckles. If Jan Brady's trick had worked, I'm sure they would be scrubbing their face daily with lemon juice to get rid of them.

But when you have as many freckles as I do, you have to keep an eye on them. Years ago I had one removed...and it turned out to be fine...although the appointment was anything but fine. The dermatologist I went to was Russian, and pretty much man handled me like it was still the cold war. Here I was, in the examining room, in my skivvys and she marches in "You take johnny off now!" Ah, okay, settle down. We don't even know each other and I have to stand in front of you in my underwear. What do you say we at least shake first? Then she puts this headlamp/magnifyer on her forehead and grabs a sharpie. "Stand." So much for bedside manner. And why the sharpie?

She put the magnifier over her eye, took a strong hold of my head in her not at all dainty hands, and came right up in my grill. She would use her magnifier to take a closer look at a few freckles here and there and occasionally would make a tsk'ing sound. She proceeded to invade my personal space and DRAW CIRCLES around my freckles WITH A SHARPIE for about 15 minutes. All of a sudden she takes out a camera and starts taking pictures of me...wearing my underwear and connect the dots. Seriously, seriously degrading moment. I left there wondering if she was going to be yucking it up with her friends that night over drinks as she showed them my pictures. "Look what I did today to girl...drew on her and then she let me take pictures! What a fool!"

"Vell..." she says "you have lots of freckles. One needs to come out!" So, I made an appointment and a few weeks later went under some local anestetic and had it cut out. They stuck the freckle, skin, and what appeared to be a freckle root system into a jar and asked if I wanted it after they tested it. WHAT?! What in the world would I do with that?? I guess the bigger question was did anyone ever say "Yes, I will take that with me, thanks!"

Fast forward about 15 years and here I was back in a different dermatologist office because my primary care doctor felt a few of my freckles needed to be checked out. At least I was prepared for the Sharpie Experience this time. So, there I am...in my johnnie and skivvys...and black socks waiting for the doctor. Seriously, why did I choose to wear black socks today? So embarrassing.

In walks my doctor, Snow White, but with Cinderella hair. The woman's skin was flawless and practically see through. It was a little unnerving. She grabbed her ruler, magnifying light, and got to work. Note that she did not draw on me with anything. Instead, she said sweet things like "Your body just likes to make unusual shaped freckles." Then she had me flip over. I was feeling relaxed and knew in about 10 minutes I'd be waltzing out of there.

That was until she said, "So, you have 2 freckles on your back that I don't like the look of....those are going to need to come out." Okay, no problem, I will just make appointment on my way out. But then she said "And let me just get two shots and we'll get them right out now..." WHAT?!?! Did she say NOW? No, I was not prepared for that. She stopped and said "You seem a little tense...is everything ok?" Ahhh...no....I thought you were just going to draw on me and take pictures. When did the idea of you giving me novacaine and cutting out freckles become an option?! I need to mentally prepare for this stuff! She went on to explain that she would numb me up and then SCRAPE out my freckles. I would then have two "little" open wounds that would heal themselves in two weeks. Awesome. And what a treat for Timmy to have to put medicine and bandaids on them every morning. Way to put some romance back into the morning routine.

So, she numbed me up and scraped out my freckles that I didn't even get to say goodbye to. Well, let's be honest, I didn't even know they were there on my back but I would have liked to say a fond farewell anyways. The nurse had me sign something and when she handed me the pen I noticed there was dried blood on her hand. I almost passed out. I think we've already discussed how I feel about blood....

And that was it. Snowrella said she would call in a few weeks if anything came back "funny" and to be sure to make an appointment for next year. Oh, yeah, like I'm dying to come back and have you SCRAPE out more freckles and leave with open wounds. Sign. Me. Up. (Side note, of course I will go back because I'm not at all interested in skin cancer, but I'll be sweating like a piece of lunch meat the whole time.)



1 comment:

  1. So glad to hear that they came back ok. Skin cancer is a terrible thing. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family.

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