Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Hissy Turkeys

A few weeks ago we were getting ready to head out for our usual Saturday morning errands. I was on my way upstairs to the shower when Jack screamed like his hair was on fire. "MOM!!" I picked up my heart that had leapt out of my chest and ran my tinkle pants back down the stairs. "What?! What is it??!!"

Jack was peering out the slider window into the neighbor's backyard. "It's a turkey that looks like a peacock!"

Sure enough, there was a turkey, all puffed up with it's tail feathers standing on end. It was quickly turning back and forth on its skinny little legs, alternating between staring into the woods and staring into our yard. What the heck? After watching his dance for a few minutes, we decided he must be trying to scare off some predators in the woods.

I finally made my way back upstairs and turned the shower on. While I was waiting for it to heat up, I looked out the window only to find a whole gaggle of turkeys in the far corner of the yard eating. The puffed up dude apparently had drawn the short straw and had to play the role of security guard while everyone else got to eat. I imagined him thinking to himself "C'mon...c'mon....hurry up! These woods are filled with all kinds of critters that could kill me. I'm starving here! When do I get some??"

Literally, he next day I talked to my mother. It went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Mother: Oh my God, you won't believe what I am staring at right now!
Me: What?
Mother: You won't believe it. it's....a TURKEY!
Me: Are you making turkey for dinner?
Mother: Kelly, I'm talking about a REAL TURKEY! Right out in the yard. It's crazy!
Me: What do you mean, it's crazy?
Mother: It's right out in the yard....walking he OWNS the place! What is a TURKEY doing in my yard??
Me: Mom, there are wild turkeys everywhere. We just had a bunch....
Mother: Not on THE CAPE, Kelly! Wild turkeys are not found on the Cape. This isn't some wild park.
Me: They are everywhere.
Mother: OhmyGod! OH. My. God!
Insert phone rustling, door opening, my mother gasping.
Mother: OhmyGod, Kelly, the neighbor just let his dog out. It's going to get KILLED by that turkey!!
Me: A turkey is not going to kill the dog, Mom.
Mother: They get hissy you know. They can be crazy.
Me: Really? When was the last time you encountered a crazy, hizzy turkey in the wild?
Insert sound of door opening and my mother screaming to the neighbor
Mother: Dave!! Dave!! There is a turkey out there!!
You would think there was a wild cougar prowling her backyard, licking his chops and threatening to eat her.
Mother: Oh. My. Jesus!!! Kelly!
Me: What? What is going on?!
Mother: It FLIES!! Did you know they flew?! Jesus, it's on Dave's roof! Hold on...
Insert sound of phone dropping. Door opening again.
Mother: Dave!! It's on your roof!! THERE IS A TURKEY ON YOUR ROOF!! You have to be careful! Get the dog!! They can get HISSY!
Oh. My. God. Is right. I'm sure she is also wearing her housecoat as she is yelling like a crazy loon to the neighbor.
Mother: Kelly, I have to go. I have to deal with this situation!

This immediately brought back a memory from a few years ago of her calling to tell me that there was a squirrel outside watching her. According to my mother, the squirrel had been "harrassing" her for a week. She told him to go away...she doesn't like critters. "And ever since he has been waiting for me every time I go outside. He's going to try and jump on me....I know it." I had images of a hoodlum squirrel lounging on the garage roof smoking a butt...just waiting for my mother. Hey, Crazy Lady, neither the turkeys nor the squirrels are out to get you.

At dinner that night I tell the kids the story about my conversation with their grandmother. I said, "Can you believe she was calling the turkeys hissy?!" and Mimi responded with a story about a friend of hers that was walking home from school when a neighbor came running out to tell her there were wild turkeys around and she should be careful. "They can get crazy." he warned.

I rolled my eyes. Enough about the crazy turkeys.

Fast forward to my run a few days later. Cori and I are getting ready to run around the school and then all of a sudden she does a half crouch. "Did you hear that?!" What? What was it? I listened but only heard the birds. "I think I heard a turkey." Are you people playing with me?? What is it with all the turkey talk?? I immediately begin to wonder what kind of a sign a turkey would be. I'm all about the signs. If I need to make a big decision or even a little one, for that matter, I look for signs to point me down the path to the "right" decision. I wasn't wrestling with any big decisions so I couldn't imagine what the turkey could mean.

We never did see any turkeys....until our last leg around the loop. We come around the corner and sure enough there are two turkeys strutting their stuff. Cori, who is closest to them, moves closer into my lane. Apparently, she has heard they can be hissy. Then they start sprinting and I seems as though they have decided to run with us. But no, that's not the case at all because they seem to be mad or scared and start to flap their wings like they are going to come after us. I would have loved to see a picture of our faces for that split second when we thought they were going to come after us. We sped up and they slowed down. I imagined them talking to each other:

Turkey 1: Ha! We gave them a good scare didn't we?
Turkey 2: Did you see the face on that one on the outside? I think her eyeballs came out of her head!
Turkey 1: Let's scare them again....
Turkey 2: Gobble, Gobble

Oh we heard it and it did make us turn around.

Stupid turkeys.


  1. Kelly,

    Your Turkey post made me laugh! I could picture your mom freaking out.....too funny! Those, Damn Turkeys.

    Glad to see you are still keeping up on your runs!

    Happy Spring!

  2. You are too funny. Thanks for making me belly laugh so early in the morning. There use to be a huge male turkey who would chase my car when I would pick my daughter up at her friends.