Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Every day this week I have been eagerly looking forward to my train time because I am reading a book I really like. It's yet another book about a city girl who moved to the country to start a farm, and the realities of that hard life. This one is called "Sheepish: Two Women, Fifty Sheep & Enough Wool to Save the Planet" by Catherine Friend. In this book I got an education on the history of sheep herding, an understanding of sheep behavior, and learned the benefits of wool. That was all wrapped up with the common theme of You-Are-Crazy-To-Live-This-Lifestyle-On-A-Farm. Okay, okay, I'm beginning to get the on a farm isn't about petting baby animals and making a yummy homegrown salad for dinner every day.

So, I get on the train and about 4 seats in there is a giant piece of luggage in the aisle. So big in fact, that you have to hoist it out of your way to get past it. The girl sitting in the 3-seater obviously doesn't understand the rules. You need to lug that giant piece o'luggage into the seat next to you. Not only will people be able to get past you, but then you won't have to sit with any crazies. In hindsight, this was probably one of the single biggest life lessons this girl learned today.

I'm totally absorbed in my book but vaguely hear a woman behind me say to Luggage Girl, "Thanks for saving the seat for me!" Naturally, I assume they know each other and go back to reading as the girl's "friend" climbs over the luggage, the girl, and the seat to get inside. It's not long into the ride when I become annoyed that Luggage Girl's friend is incredibly loud, which is distracting me from reading how the young ram on the farm, a teenager if you will, got loose and impregnated half the herd at the wrong time of year, meaning that 12 sheep would have lambs (singles, twins, and triplets) in the dead of winter instead of the spring. Oh the calamaties of farming! (It really was a disaster.)

The train conductor starts coming closer and I heard Luggage Girl's friend say "Hey, how are you?! Can I get a hug?" She stands up and tries to make a move for the conductor over Luggage Girl and the giant suitcase. Huh. Kinda weird. When he ignores her she says "Oh, I get don't want to lose your job...I understand. Okay then!" I assume they hook up from time to time and he doesn't want everyone to know.

I go back to reading until I hear, "I used to take pictures of statues. I love them. Then I showed my friend the pictures of the statues and I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure she told the guy who owns the store down the street because now he has a calendar with statues in it. He stole my idea." Pause. "I don't take pictures of statues anymore. Now I'm going to make baskets. Womens love fragrances. Especially passion fruit. I'm going to put a bunch of passion fruit smelly things in a basket and sell it to people. I will sell them for Christmas."

"I live in Worcester. I love the train station there...and all those stairs. Have you seen the movie Titanic? I think the stairs in the boat were actually the stairs of the Worcester train station. I'm almost positive." Hold. Up. The Worcester train station stairs were the model for the stairs in the Titanic? The model wasn't the actual Titanic?

"I just had a dentist appointment. I have to go every 6 months because my teeth are yellow because I smoke. Then my gums started bleeding like crazy and got very swollen. There was a lot of blood. I went home and gargled with Epsom Salt." And by the way, should you be putting Epsom Salt in your mouth?!

It was at this point I realized that Luggage Girl had not spoken a word. Suddenly there were a few more clues that they weren't actually friends. Like "So, where are you from?" Luggage Girl replies that she is from Germany, with her obvious broken English. The good news is that Luggage Girl probably really doesn't understand most of what Cra-Zee Girl is saying. Until she says "Oh, Germany! I love Germany! It's so beautiful."

Luggage Girl asks "Have you been there before?" to which Cra-Zee Girl says "No". She then quickly rambles on with "German accents are so beautiful. They are very similar to English accents." . Hold. Up. Right. Now. The-Cup-O'Tea Accent is nothing like the Guttenstadt accent. Nothing.

Wait for it. "I am bi-polar. I take medication." There we go. Thankfully that is her problem. Don't get me wrong...I am sorry she is bi-polar. I really am. But I am also really thankful that she is a diagnosed Cra-Zee...rather than just some freak riding the rails. Because, quite frankly, there are enough of those already.

"Today has been a nice day because I have someone to talk to." Correction, you are talking AT someone who doesn't speak English. "I am very friendly but not everyone is as friendly as me. Talking to people helps me pass the time. I love the train." But does the train love you? That's what you should be asking yourself."

"I like pasta a lot. All kinds of pasta. Angel hair. Linguine. Elbows. Thin spaghetti." Okay, WE GET IT! You like pasta. "I like sauce too. I also like tuna fish sandwiches. And I like fruit. I really like to eat. It's what I do. I also like dairy. Cheeses. Milk. Yogurt. All kinds of dairy." Hey, Rainman, enough.

"I'm almost 50." Luggage Girl pipes up with "Wow, really?" You really shouldn't encourage her. "My hips hurt though. I do alot of bending." Leave it. Just leave that one alone.

"My cat is waiting for me at home. Her name is Angel. She rips up all my curtains and furniture though." Ah, shouldn't her name be Devil? But wait, there is more, "She looks German. She is reddish and looks like a fox." No, you didn't. German people look like red foxes? Oh, please stop. No, there's more. "She has very clean teeth." Apparently she doesn't smoke. stop is next! Cra-Zee Girl looks out the window and says "I love these mountains." What mountains do you see in Ashland?? "I just love how the mountains are in nature." Perhaps, you can take your Germany foxxy kitty and live in the mountains....

As I got up to leave I wanted to apologize to Luggage Girl for this experience. She had no idea what she was getting into when she got off the plan, but she handled it quite well. I would have probably gotten up and pretended it was my stop, but gone into another cab. But then again, she did have that big piece of luggage to contend with.


  1. You have just made my night. I honestly can not stop laughing. I'm laughing so hard my dog is getting nervous. I think she thinks I've lost my mind. Too funny, thank you Kelly, I really enjoyed my visit tonight.

  2. I agree....that cracked me up! BTW, I just got the book recommend - The Happiness Project, looking forward to diving in....