For as long as I can remember I have wanted to put my kids in large hamster balls to keep them safe. I would pipe in happy Disney music and they would frolic in the front yard free of harm and crazy people. Since I haven't been able to find any online I have resorted to fretting about their safety on a constant basis.
Recently we were home for a few nights, in between camping trips, and I lay in bed getting myself worked up before I fell asleep. Would someone sneak in the house and steal my kids at night? If they called out, would I hear them or continue in my deep sleep? Stupid, I know, but I'm being honest with you...I think about this alot. I awoke that night to the cat meowing like crazy downstairs. I immediately thought "Someone is in the house and the cat is warning me!" Just call me the crazy cat lady.
I have often stressed about how I would save my children. Jack's room is at the top of the stairs on the left and Mimi's is on the right...how would I possibly save them both if someone was at the bottom of the stairs?! Thankfully, it turns out that night the cat was just being crazy.
Speaking of crazy, I know you think I am a nut ...I can see the look on your face right now. To be fair, I am the mother of one of the most accident prone children on the face of the earth. Besides Jack's two surgeries (a tumor on his face that I thought was a zit....c'mon, he was my first child...and a double hernia) he has had the following: two front teeth knocked out by a line drive. The teeth, his permanent ones that had just finished growing in, were dangling by their roots (luckily they were able to reattach them). He has broken several bones (pinky, arm, and two places on his wrist while on a school trip). He has had many stitches, like when he ran across the rain soaked yard and collided with a wood chip which tore open his knee cap. He ended up with 10 stitches and wore a full leg brace for 3 weeks. He has had staples in his head. Of course he got those by standing on our granite counter top, slipping, and whacking his head on the side of the granite. Yeah...I'm still not sure why he was standing on the counter. Do you understand why I'm kooky about their safety now? Mimi has never given me cause to worry about these kinds of things but I am fearful someone will snatch her up one day while she is skipping in the yard singing to herself.
Honestly, I like to be in control. I know that what I am really worrying about is uncontrollable situations. I have always felt if I did my best to warn them about potential dangers, I would give them the ability to control a sudden situation. As a result, I have groomed a quick thinker and a worrywart. Hey, a 50% success rate is pretty good, right?
Because we were camping alot this summer, and there were strangers all around us at the campgrounds, I found Security Kelly in full action mode. I also found myself saying crazy mother phrases to my children. I wrote a few down and thought I would share them with you:
1. While kids were enjoying themselves jumping in the pool I leapt from my seat and yelled "Make sure you jump far enough away from the edge so you don't fall back and smack your head. Then they would have to close the pool to get all the blood out!"
2. While kids were ahead of me on their bikes going down a hill "Don't use your feet to stop your bike - they could fall right off! And then you'll never be able to ride your bikes again!"
3. After they burned their feet while trying to stop their scooters with bare feet "Next time your feet might just catch on fire and then you really won't be able to stop!"
4. After giving me grief about brushing their teeth for the 5th time that week "You'll end up with green teeth and then no one will want to marry you!"
5. If you don't stay with your sister and someone ends up stealing her, you'll have to live with that the rest of your life!" Insert $100 in the therapy jar for that one.
Have you ever said crazy things to your children? If so, share some funny ones with us. If you don't think you have, listen to yourself....you'll get a good chuckle once you realize what you are actually saying.